3.30.2003
Alright, so, as I had said earlier, everything is better in the morning. Everything looks better. It's just something about the dark...
Stayed in bed until 2, went to a picnic and slept under a cherry tree until 6 when it started getting a bit cool. It was awesome. It was so great. Today was wonderful.
Roommate's back! Vishal's back! Today was an exciting day indeed!
Yeah exciting.
If I should choose to live in my cocoon
Wrap myself in me and cry myself to sleep
If I should choose to protect my tender heart
Build a shell from you steal myself from you
If I should choose to fall apart
Don't you think you should let me
If I should choose to die alone
You should forgive and forget me
If I decide I can't do it anymore
Try to be so hard I'm trying to be so fucking hard
If I should choose to keep lying to myself
Pretend my mind is telling truths
Well I've got my own so who are you
I know I know I know
If I should choose to fall apart
Don't you think you should let me
If I should choose to die alone
You should forgive and forget me
You should forgive and forget me
You should forgive and forget me
--Joydrop
Goddammit I'm so tired and pissed and "under the influence" that I can't type straight. At least I can still tell when I'm making typos. Fuck everything!
God I'm so pissed. I don't know what's wrong with me. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why do I fail all but 2 of the mental health questions on the Peace Corps application? They'll never let me do it. My life is a waste.
If I die, plant a sapling on my grave. Please. Seriously. "When I die plant a seeding on my grave / That my bones might become the branches of a tree / That might someday give someone shade / That'd be enough for me."
That'd be enough for me.
I'm so sorry I'm mean. I am selfish but sometimes people tell me the problem is I don't put myself first. Why am I so selfish in some ways but not in others, even if they're essentially the same? I don't give a fuck if people worry but I would die to make them stop. I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry.
I love you all. Love makes the world go round.... Yeah love. Yeah fucking the odds.
Should I stay or should I go? Bed or lounge? Sad, tired, worn OUT. Worn the FUCK OUT.
3.29.2003
Aaagh why can I not sleep. Why do I keep waking up a billion times a night from nightmares. WHY WHY WHY.
Nah it's cool. Everything is A-OK. I'm reading Weber's "The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism" so life is groovy.
A lot of people get back today so life is good.
Turn your radio off girl don't listen to the sound
Luke's on the phone now and he tells me somethings wrong
How many times have I told you not to write a love song?
But I can't help myself
My God I wish I was somebody else
I told Luke we were best friends to fuck off
I called your parents and I told them that we're getting married
I sold my girls down the river for 20,000 chances
And glancing at you
--The Undefinables
We got nothing but tomorrow to keep us from today
We walk around in circles like everything's okay...
Rain all day I'll stay all day with you with you
It's just a melancholy day
--Fleming & John
Isn't hell gonna be crowded
--Koldnicoal, The Undefinables
3.28.2003
A baby cries hard in an apartment complex
As I pass in a car buried under the influence
this city's driving me out of my mind
A child is caught in the sad trap of gravity
He falls from the lowest branch of the apple tree
And lands in the grass and weeps for his dignity
Next time he will not aim so high
Yeah next time neither will I
A mother takes loans out sends her kids off to colleges
Her family's reduced to names of a shpping list
Meanwhile a coroner kneels beneath a great wooden crucifix
He knows there are worse things than being alone
I have learned to retreat at the first sign of danger
I mean why wait around if it's just to surrender
Ambition I've found can lead only to failure
I do not read the reviews
No I am not singing for you
I stood dropping a coin into the pit of a well
I would throw my whole billfold
If I thought it would help
With all these wishes I make
I should buy something real
At least a telephone call home
My teachers they built this retaining wall of memory
All those multiple choices I answered so quickly
And got my grades back and forgot just as easily
But at least I got an A
So I don't have them to blame
I should stop pointing fingers
Reserve my judgement of all those public action figures
And cowboy presidents
So loud behind the bullhorn so proud they can't admit
When they've made a mistake
While poison ink spews from a speechwriter's pen
He knows he doesn't have to say it
So it don't bother him
Honesty Accuracy are just Popular opinion
And the approval rating's high
So someone's gonna die
ABC NBC CBS bullshit
They give us fact or fiction I guess in even split
And each new act of war is tonight's entertainment
We are still the panws in their game
As they take eye for an eye until no one can see
We must stumble blindly forward repeating history
Well I guess that we all fit into your slogan
On the fast food marquee:
Red blooded, White skinned oh and the Blues.
I got the blues I got the blues that's me!
Well I awoke in relief my sheets and tubes were all tangled
Weak from whiskey and pills in a Chicago hospital
And my father was there in a chair by the window
Staring so far away
I tried talking just whispered "so sorry so selfish"
He stoped me and said "Child I love you regardless
There's nothing you can do that would ever change this
I'm not angry it happens. You just can't do it again."
So now I try to keep up I've been exchanging my currency
As a million objects pass through my periphery
Now I'm rubbing my eyes because they're starting to bother me
I've been staring too long at the screen
But where was it when I first heard that sweet sound of humility
It came to my ears in the goddamn loveliest melody
How grateful I was then to be part of the mystery
To love and to be loved.
Let's just hope that it's enough.
--Bright Eyes
3.20.2003
So here are some brief reflections on addictions:
I was watching the Motley Crue video last night, and Tommy Lee talks about how they were at this place and were out of heroin and just started shooting Jack Daniels into their arms -- literally, injecting it into their veins -- and then they're like: "We could just drink this, what are we doing?" And that's addiction. And that's insane. The bassist almost died after OD'ing and then he did it again and bled all into his hand and stuff and that's scary. That's so scary.
Smoking: so you get started and then you get addicted. And then you do it and do it and it's calming and it relaxes you and then you try to quit and get all upset over everything and chew 3 pieces of nicorette at once. Which is like $1.50 right there, so big tobacco is still screwing you over. And then you get more upset and go out and chain smoke. I don't know. I don't know. And the patch gives you a steady stream of nicotine so if you start again then you're smoking like 5 times more than you were before... And then it's all like: Smoking in the shower is awesome. Smoking in bed is the best thing ever. And then you can't be happy without it. Which is sad. It's so sad. When it's a big accomplishment to go 14 hours without something it's terrible, it's horrible. And this guy in my dorm is giving it up for lent and is always like: "I love smoking it's so wonderful I just want to smoke all the time." But when he smokes he says he wishes he could quit. "Smokers suck. Then they choke. Later they die."
See Dick. See Dick smoke. See Dick choke. See Dick croak. Don't be a Dick.
And I am unfortunately going bald. Seriously. I cannot stop pulling out my hair and I hate it. I'm reading Prozac Nation... that was unrelated except to the song I'm listening to. Right.
I don't know. It's all so sad. Everyone needs so much help. Everything is so messed up.
I cannot save you
I can't even save myself
I'm on spring break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Never mind being really freaking tired. Never mind being diagnosed with an eating disorder. Never mind being on too many pills. Never mind all that.
I'm on spring break!!!!
Maybe I'll just sleep.....
3.17.2003
Yeah finals week! I just finished IHUM final in half the time allotted...uh oh. But I feel like I kicked it so whateverrrrr.
And now I've just got Spanish left (yeah easy quarter) which I don't think I'll study for any more. Yay! :)
I know I already mentioned the power suits from white trash night, so here we go:
Don't we look hot??? Erin, me, and Tom are definately the "belles of the ball," so to speak. :)
Making hamentashen tomorrow! I'm so excited! Spring break WHAT!!!!
3.15.2003
Wooo weekend before finals! A week from now I'll be soooo done....3.2 days from now i'll be sooooo done.
I also just found out that my blog has a small but strong readership, so I'll make an effort to do better updates. :) And more often. Holla!
So we had white trash night last night which was funny to watch. The 3 of us who didn't drink dressed up in power suits and looked down our noses at all the white trash. It was hi-larious. I've got some good photos to put up which maybe I'll do soon. Maybe I should link to photos from here.
Annnnd what else. Hm. Taking CS 106A next quarter which is just crazy. Me! CS!! In-SANE.
Also maybe some good lyrics:
but if the world could remain within a frame
like a painting on a wall
then i think we would see the beauty
then we would stand staring in awe
at our still lives posed
like a bowl of oranges
like a story told
by the fault lines and the soil
--bright eyes, bowl of oranges
3.04.2003
We all love quizzes. Right? And personality disorder quizzes just rock...
Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Very High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
Holla!
Let's see. David was here this weekend which was great fun but unfortunately insanely busy so I got NO work done which means I'm screwed. Screw your roo was totally fun and I enjoyed it. Our sober monitors were awesome, and some of the drunk people not so much. (People trying to trip me as I walk past them not so much either).
So anyway. One more week of class after this week. And Wednesday is the camera-down-the-throat-into-the-stomach-to-hopefully-find-out-why-I-can't-not-throw-up-after-every-freaking-time-I-eat day. Eee! Sedation! Aaaah!
Johann donated blood again today and they asked where I was. Awww...I wish I could have gone. Sniff!
Don't you love the life you killed
Priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your ma disowned you
Don't suppose you'll ever know
What it means to be a man
It's something I can't change
I'll live around it
I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide...
--Goo Goo Dolls, Slide
