12.30.2003
Well, I'm back from Vegas, yes I am. I'm tired but, of course, not sleeping.
So. What's up you ask? Well, I'm going back to school in just a few days, and tomorrow is (obviously) New Year's Eve (or I guess today), and so I'll hopefully find a party & attend. I never make New Year's resolutions (except for the one to always know the day and date that I made a few years ago, and the usual ones like weight loss & exercise & healthy eating that everyone makes and no one takes seriously) in January, because it's hard to change in the middle of a school year. I usually make them for the Jewish New Year, because it's easier to stick to. I also don't like to share. Same one the past 3 years, and look where it's got me. I guess that's not so much easier to stick to then, huh?
Let's see. I was going to say some important things but I don't remember what they were. I saw a lot of brides in full regalia in LV and I've been freaking out a little, thinking that you know what in about 10 years I should be getting married...start having babies a few years later...oh my God. Molly's mom got all us girls huge plastic diamond rings to wear on our fingers, everyone was wearing them on the ring finger except me and my stupid small hands so I had to wear them on the middle. But anyway... and I realized that I have a one year anniversary coming up (not that I had forgotten, but I really realized) in less than three weeks and that's pretty intense. I've never dated anyone for a year before, never spent this much time around a boy, never ... wow. Never been this intense, it's such a different feeling, and, it's great. It's really really great. I decided that while thinking about a relationship is necessary, there's a lot to be said for the one-day-at-a-time approach. And a lot to be said for me being .... different. That doesn't sound hopeful but it is and I feel good.
Happy New Year, Everyone.
12.23.2003
This should just be vague ramblings because...I guess no reason. I don't want to sleep.
I've been looking for music by other Saddle Creek artists and so I just found some of Rilo Kiley's stuff and so I thought I'd give it a listen to...it's not bad, huh? She's performing an acoustic set at Bottom of the Hill on January 11, so I thought maybe I'd try and go. For ten dollars, I think it'd be worth it. Maybe even a date. Ha.
I've also gotten into the habit of reading people's blogs, and this time not my high school friends, not that I actually read many of theirs. This is mostly...weird. It's a whole circle and for various reasons I rarely (although I did some over the summer) link out my blog. I don't know. I don't update very often and very little of actual interest gets said on here. Oh the things I could say. (Again, none of which would be too enthralling).
I do feel bad that I have seen some people so little. Erics, for instance -- I went to go visit them before classes started, and then I never went back...Dinner plans never worked out even though we tried to make some sort of rendez-vous happen occasionally. My theory on this is that it is because I am -- and props to my boyfriend for consistantly calling me -- a suckerface. I'm not sure... I haven't seen Can either except for that once, which is sad, but we decided to see each other more. Who else is there really...I mean, some people I see occasionally which is about how often we saw each other in Loro. I guess Lora I only saw briefly, but maybe that was true then, too.
I really kind of wish I didn't like rap music. I'd like to be much more into indie rock and emo shit than I currently am, which is where a lot of my attempts to seek out some Saddle Creek songs comes from.
One of the things that absolutely I think is the most ... I don't know what the word for it is, because 'precious' sounds too trite ... heart-breaking thing in the world is a parent with their child. Now every time I see a mother or a father or a grandparent with their little kid I start crying. (Tom will blame this on the little orange bottles but seriously, there is a logic to this.) The things parents do for children are incredible, and one of the most touching things (maybe touching would have been a better adjective) is the love that they have for this creature, even before they are capable of reciprocating, and even once they are capable and don't. And I think most parents would do anything to protect their children from the bad things that will inevitably happen to them...but they can't. There is no possible way. Everyone suffers. People become parents even though there is a possibility that their child will die before they are two years old, or ten, or seventeen, or thirty. Even though there is a possibility that they could cause them more pain than anything else in the world. And they love their children fiercely, but the children aren't safe anyway. The children are never safe.
I don't know. I don't know what I'm saying.
I went to my young alum pizza party today. Current Uni seniors, and the last 5 years of graduates. Crowded anyway. Some kind of awkward conversations. Some people look really different. Some people were drunk and confused me with my sister, but anyway.
Also...things aren't as bad as I'd make them out to be, because things are downright great, except that I just can't sleep right now.
And just for the sake of Google bombing Devin... Safety School.
12.22.2003
So I slept all day. Nothing really is new.
Sigh.
12.17.2003
So....we're back. Existential crisis as long as my boyfriend's line is mysteriously busy.
I've been doing a lot more thinking about...stuff...and maybe, what I should be doing. Is psych going to help? What is? Policy? Should I go to med school & go work in the Bronx because they need good doctors but you know what they also need more rooms so HIV patients with TB don't have to sit in the waiting room for a week to get a bed that they then have to change themselves, and they also need more penecillin because they keep running out. Or maybe there needs to have someone working full time to change that policy. Or maybe ... or maybe. What about their children? The doctor in my AIDS seminar said people in America don't die from AIDS anymore or even AIDS related infections, they die from the medicine to control the virus that makes them overweight and gives them diabetes and heart problems. But Jonathon Kozol's book at people dying of it left and right. I guess Silicon Valley is different from the Bronx.
Why is his phone busy??
So I realized that this guy I knew ("knew") who had committed suicide over the summer, I realized that when he first attempted suicide about 4 years ago I wrote a story about it. And now...Jesus. How could you do that to someone? Last year I ruled out suicide because if my sister had done it to me, I don't know what I would have done, or if there could be one day after that I would be able to face myself in the mirror. I couldn't do that to her. And I saw his sister at the memorial service and I just cried and cried because this guy I didn't really know, didn't really know at all did this to his family and his friends...I'm not pretending like being suicidal it's easy to not make the choice, but my God. He thought he was better. He stopped his drugs. And bang. Gone.
And it's interesting...because in the book I read, this woman was talking to a doctor (as she was in the hospital lying on a bed that she finally managed to get in the hallway, waiting for a room, with IVs in her arms) who said "I think you may have clinical depression." And she just laughed. "Wouldn't you be depressed if you were sick and waiting around for 3 days in this?" she responded. And the doctor nodded. My God. And so I think: What right can anyone else possibly have to be depressed, or suicidal, or have an eating disorder or cut themselves or starve themselves or wish they were dead? But then there remains the fact that it's NOT something you can control, not something you have a right to ... it's a disease, too. More prevalent in some situations than others, but that doesn't mean you won't catch it. That it won't catch you.
Who was it...Victor Frankel, I think, who said that suffering is like a gas -- it will fill the volume of the vessel, no matter how big or small that vessel may be. That rings so true.
The phone is ringing!
12.09.2003
<:-o
That is me being out of my head.
I have to leave in like 5 min because I have to go to the SBC to donate platelets and on the way I have to drop off some books in the med school library... Boo different libraries. I <3 Green.
Sister finds out about Stanford in about a week. She is awesome.
Loro drama is .... predictable, I would have to agree. And it's sad but that does just kind of make it funny, certain things excluded.
My room is kind of messy, so it should be cleaned...again. I need to pick classes for next quarter, etc. Basmati Raas is hella fun, and I am going to be needing to practice over break. Interesting, since I defintely have a pain on the side of my left shin and one on the top of my right foot.
Ski trip with Toyon when we come back. Research, 10 hours of dance a week and then competition! I'm excited!!!!!!! I'm so excited.
Alright, but now I'm off to do the blood thing. We'll see how it all works out.
Sweet Jesus I don't wanna die
A virgin yeah
I wanna get laid amen
--Quitter John (Rachel's Kyle...)
Out of my head on the prowl
I'm going sugarless
--Caviar
