7.31.2003
Babies turn blue when they're ignored
Like the sky on summer days
--Bright Eyes
So nothing much is happening. Sermon tomorrow. I'm exxxxcited.
And various vacations coming up...Wisconsin...Washington. I'm making a tour of states that begin with W, but not Wyoming (who goes there anyway?).
I've lately been on a real Padraic My Prince kick, maybe because it's an awesome song. It really is, but so sad! I mean...my god. Bright Eyes is so depressing but it feels...good...to listen to. It's like, yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean.
And I really really like the name Padraic. Or also Padriac. And I love the name Connor, but I think it's getting really common so I wouldn't want to name my son that. Hmm.. I guess I have a while to worry about that. Like 15 years.
La la la. Speaking of which I like that Jay Z song. And...Um. Maybe that's it. I don't have much more to say.
I saw the future once
I was drunk in a phonebooth
My eyes were wet & red
But I could not tell what was said
Through the screams of the traffic
Voices carried saying I'm sorry
On a day so grey it's black inside
Watching churches on tv
In a coma you don't dream
You just hope that someone sits with you
--Bright Eyes
7.29.2003
This song is possibly the best song ever. Oh my God. It is. Listen:
It was in the March of the winter I turned 17
That I bought those things
I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
It's just lately I've been feeling
Like I don't belong
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarassed by its honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its place
So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep
But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
When Justin spoke very plainly
He said "Of course it's your decision
But just so you know
If you decide to leave
Soon I will follow"
I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cos it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arrive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love.
Just love.
I will be pure
No no I know I will be pure
Like snow, like gold
Like snow, like gold
Like snow, like snow
Like gold, like gold, like gold
--Bright Eyes
Did that song make anyone else cry?
I guess your kind of truth is just the ghost of your lies.
I see through them all the time.
Not a good day today. I don't know why. Actually, yeah I do. I'm too fucking tired to do the things I want to/should do. I keep thinking that exercising will energize me but it just wipes me out, and then I can't do anything. I'm so tired all I can do is watch TV or check my email. Why why why why why why why. I can't go back to school like this, needing 10 hours of sleep every night so I can go running and then sit and watch TV. This is shitty.
You say that I've hurt you
Your voice is like a prayer
Yeah maybe I hurt you some
Let's contrast & compare...
I'm pouring myself some whiskey
I'm gonna get drunk
I'm pouring myself some whiskey
I'm gonna get so fucking drunk
That I pass out and forget your face
By the time I wake up
--Bright Eyes, It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends
Sooo many weird nightmares. Seriously. Stanford's divided up into various groups of people around Greek gods and I happened to be Artimis' nymph, Raghav got us a table, oh god, Vishal & Mr. Stone, this is so whacked, and all this flan! Dressing in Indian dresses (like the ones they wore for the Raas act), walking in deserts, making...candy bars? Something. Collages, Tom's was beautiful. Where the hell did Uni come in this? Subbies who were Brownies would fall off so we have to be in different cars based on what kind of flavor we want our popcorn...Ew, chicken. French AP again (not that I've ever taken one). Trying to find someone to marry in Kmart, realizing they're all probably too old, but floating around on a blue couch through the aisles in Alaska...trying to look for a guy buying dishes because that means he's buying a house. Sigh. Freaky ass dreams, what can I say.
Marry him your father will condone you
How bout that now
Marry me your father will disown you
He'll eat his hat now...
I ain't got no future or family tree
But I know what a lover and a prince should be
Yeah I know what a lover and a prince should be so
If you want to call me baby
just go ahead now
And if you want to tell me maybe
Just go ahead now
And if you want to buy me flowers
Just go ahead now
And if you want to talk for hours
Just go ahead now
--Spin Doctors
7.28.2003
Ok, so I just typed up an interview with Connor Oberst of Bright Eyes. I listened to it the first time while I was typing it. If anyone finds a link, I'll just post that instead. But anyway, I think he was under...some...influence. Or just the most annoying person ever to interview. The radio guy was obviously getting annoyed and Connor obviously didn't care. But this is so cool. This is why I love this band.
Transcript
Hi, we�re back, this is radio K**X and we�re here with Connor Oberst of the band Bright Eyes. How�re you doing, Connor?
Fine. Thanks. Just a little wet.
Oh it�s still coming down out there eh?
Yeah. I sorta had to run from the car.
Well, we are glad you made it. Now your new album, Fevers and Mirrors, tell us a little about the title, I notice there is a good deal of repeated imagery in the lyrics: fevers, mirrors, scales, clocks. Could you discuss some of this?
Sure. Let�s see, the fever is, like �
First, first let me say that this is a brilliant record, man. We�re all really into it here at the station. We get lotsa calls, it�s really good stuff.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
So, talk a little bit about some of the symbolism.
The fever?
Sure.
Well, the fever is basically whatever ails you or oppresses you. It could be anything. In my case it�s my neurosis, my depression, but I don�t want to be limited to that, it�s certainly different for different people. It�s whatever keeps you up at night.
I see.
And the mirrors, like as you might have guessed � self-examination, a reflection of whatever form, this could be vanity or self-loathing, I know I�m guilty of both.
That�s interesting. How about the scale?
The scale is essentially our attempt to solve our problems quantitatively through logic or rationalization. In my opinion it�s often frivolous, but, always� um. Not always. And the clocks and calendars, [???], it�s just time, our little measurements. It�s like, it�s always chasing after us.
It is. It is. Uh, how about this Arienette, how does she fit into all this?
I, I�d prefer not to talk about it, in case she�s listening.
Oh, I�m sorry, I didn�t realize she was a real person.
She�s not. I made her up.
Oh. So she�s not real.
Just as real as you or I.
I don�t think I understand.
Neither do I, but after I grow up, I will. I mean, a lot (exasperated sigh) a lot of things are really unclear for me now.
That�s interesting. Now you mentioned your depression.
No I didn�t.
You�re from Nebraska, right?
Yeah.
Now, let me know if I�m getting too personal, but there seems to be a pretty dark past back there somewhere. What was it like for you growing up?
Dark. Not really. Uh, actually I had a great childhood, my parents were wonderful, I went to a Catholic school, they have, had money, so it, it was all easy. I basically had everything I wanted. [????]
Really. So some of the references like �babies & bathtubs� are not biographical?
Well, I do have a brother who died in a bathtub. Drowned. Actually I have five brothers that died that way.
[Laugh]
I�m serious. My mom drowned one every year for five consecutive years. They�re all named Padriac, so they all have that song. It�s kind of like walking out the door to discover it�s a window.
But your music is certainly very personal.
Of course. I put a lot of myself into what I do. It�s like being an author, you have to free yourself to use symbolism and allegory to reach your goal. And, and a part of that is compassion, empathy for other people and their, their situations. Some of what I sing about comes from other people�s experiences as well. It shouldn�t matter. The message is intended to be universal.
I see what you mean.
Can you make that sound stop please? [note: there has been this really annoying pulsing sound in the background the entire time]
Yes. [It stops.] And your goal?
I don�t know. Uh, create feelings, I guess. The song, never ends up the way you planned it, though.
That�s funny you would say that. Do you think that �
You ever hear things that aren�t really there?
I�m sorry, what?
Never mind. How long have you worked at this station?
Oh, just a few minutes. Now you mentioned empathy for others. Would you say that that is what motivates you to make the music that you make?
No, not really. It�s more a need for sympathy. I want people to feel sorry for me. I like the feel of the burn of the audience�s eyes on me when I�m whispering [whispers] all my darkest secrets into the microphone. When I was a kid, I used to carry this safety pin around with me everywhere I went in my pocket, and when people weren�t paying enough attention to me I�d dig it into my arm until I started crying. Everyone would stop what they were doing and ask me what was the matter. I guess, I guess I kinda liked that.
Really. You�re telling me you�re doing all this for attention?
No, I hate it when people look at me. I get nauseous. In fact, I could care less, about what people think, about� Do you feel�okay?
No, I�m feeling sick.
I really just want to be warm yellow light that pours over everyone I love.
So, you�re going to play something for us now. Is this a new song?
Yeah. But I haven�t written it yet. It�s one I�ve been meaning to write. Uh� called, A Song To Pass The Time.
That�s a nice title.
You should write your own�script.
Yeah, I know.
*End Transcript*
If that wasn't the coolest interview you ever read...whoa. Annnnyway.
I give myself three days to feel better
Or else I swear I'll drive right off a fucking cliff
Cos if I can't learn to make myself feel better
How can I expect anyone else to give a shit?
--Bright Eyes
I talk in the mirror to the
Stranger that appears
Our conversations are circles
Always one-sided
Nothing is clear
Except we keep coming back
To this meaning that I lack
He says the choices were given
And now you must live them
Or just not live
But do you want that?
--Bright Eyes
7.27.2003
I just showered after exercising...biking...I know...but I suck at running. Anytime I start running I either find out I have PF syndrome in both knees (permanent) & tendonitis in one knee, or I get shin splints (and frostbite, ha), or mono, and I've sprained my right arch once and my left arch twice...I think some people weren't made for running. Really. With the amount I've run I should have nowhere near this many injuries (although, granted, the mono probably wasn't due to milage). So we'll see if I start up again, but, no guarantees. Like it matters.
Hmmmm I saw Nowhere in Africa which was good. It was...crazy good. I mean, I don't know. It was long, but I enjoyed it, and in a different way than most movies.
Anyway. Off to swallow pills and chew & swallow & digest food.
Baby if you give it to me
I'll give it to you...
--Busta Rhymes ft. Mariah Carey
So I fell asleep at Dan's house watching Dr. Strangelove then I came back home and fell asleep and woke up for 20 min to a lovely phone call and then went back to sleep until 8, went back to bed at 9 and slept until 10:30 when my alarm woke me up. Life is good.
And yet...Hm. I feel that I should say something of more significance than my sleep schedule.
And yet...I can't think of anything.
Oh well.
Does anyone else think that the American Idol song sucks ass? Because I'm really getting that impression every time I hear it. She can sing awesomely, but the words are the stupidest lyrics ever and the background music sucks as well. I just can't believe it. I'm not blaming her because I find it hard to believe that she would have written any of it, but I mean, come on...at least Britney got catchy tunes. What happened to that? It's because she hasn't had plastic surgery, isn't it?
No matter how I may wish for a coffin so clean
Or these trees to undress all their leaves unto me
I put my face in the dirt & then finally I see
The sky that has been avoiding me
--Bright Eyes
Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning
When you start to raise your head
And does he sing to you incessantly
From the space between your bed & wall...
Does he know that space below your neck
That is your favorite to be touched
And does he cry through broken sentences
Like 'I love you far too much'
Does he lay awake listening to your breath
Worried you smoke too many cigarettes...
Well I drug your ghost across the country
& we plotted out my death in every city
Memories would whisper 'Here is where you rest'
I was determined in Chicago
But I dug my teeth into my knees
And I settled for a telephone
Sang into your machine
'You are my sunshine
My only sunshine'
--Bright Eyes
7.25.2003
I'm reading The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, and I'm really enjoying it. I can't say whether I think it's a book worth reading or not because I'm only about 140 pages into it (out of some ungodly number like 694) so it's only a small dent, but a dent nonetheless.
I was thinking about something that I strongly feel is relevant to many things, but I don't know what they are. Here it is: Schizophrenics are very often depressed; they aren't when they exhibit symptoms, but once they are put on antipsychotics, they realize that they are crazy, and so they get depressed, which is logical. And a lot of bad trips with drugs are due to the fact that you think you're going crazy and start to freak out. This seems almost like the reverse. I don't know. There should be something profound to say here, but I seem to be sorely lacking a point.
Hence, I desist. Is that how you spell it?
Annnnnnyway.
I know I may come off quiet
A little more shy
But I feel like talking feel like dancing
When I see this guy
--Britney Spears
I'm going through an unhappy writer's block. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm not trying.
Maybe the point of the whole schizophrenia/depression/bad trip thing is that now if I have a bad day, I start worrying that it will become a trend, and then I freak out and get worried and feel worse and then after a couple days end up having to convince myself that I'll be okay and then I feel fine. It just all seems so similar. And really, at the same time, kind of tragic.
I just wanna love you baby
Always thinkin of you baby
--Ashanti
It's afternoon...I'm watching Frida and it's pretty good. It's sad. Always sad. But what can you do?
Not much.
You're always looking for something
To sniff smoke or swallow
Calling over to the house nextdoor
See what they've got
You just want something that will
Make your brain slow down or
Stop
--Bright Eyes
7.24.2003
So...It's been a while. Nothing new really. So I'm just kickin it...
I watched Dirty Dancing and decided that my ambition is to become a ballroom dancer. That might be the most fun thing in the world. I've also been sleeping a lot. I feel kind of lonely....
But on the plus side A Long December is really easy to play. Now if only I could sing!
Maybe the sun has gotten used to you
And your constant need for proof
--Bright Eyes
7.22.2003
Yeah sleeping through 10 phonecalls. Mmmmmmmm.
What can I say?
What can I do?
Did it to myself
I did it all confused
--Bush
Jesus online
Wires around the world
Feel invincable
Comuter carbon girl
To be perfect just like you
Oh to be perfect just like you
--Bush
I would just like to point out that I am up really fucking early. Especially PST.
I would also like to point out that this time yesterday I was in Bloomington, in the atrium garden in the middle of Stonehenge or as it was written "Being in Blue," making fun of the mechanics who had their 4th lunch by 10:00 am, or maybe practicing packing cigarettes. Which I would also like to point out I suck at. And, finally, I'll point out that I've gotten much better at driving to & from the Bloomington airport -- I didn't get lost at ALL yesterday. :)
Now I need to get dressed.
7.21.2003
I meant to write a poem on whiskey meant to nauseate and provoke neurons. Instead I'll just stick with a paraphrase of a short story of a friend:
"She's looking good, so I know that Jack Daniel's got my back."
These rappers are getting very clever:
Got so much grass you think we mow lawns.
I'm out in the blue so hard you would think I was crippin.
I actually like those 2, especially the last one. ihum whaaaat (why!).
Because SLE sucks ass.
Ah...the memories of Loro. Sniffle sniffle sniffle. I really want to point out that I loved Loro, it was incredible, and the people were really really really great. This year was so much better than I thought it would be, despite encompassing the emotionally worst 4 months of my life. :)
Regardless, I should sleep, I really really really should.
Goodnight, moon!
Wow, it's been a long time since I posted. This past week was absolutely wonderful, seriously, wonderful. And I'm buying my tickets now... :) However Tom's stuck in Newark tonight because United fucked up every single flight they put him on and Northwestern wouldn't just let him fly from Chicago to Spokane without going through Newark & Minneapolis. Oh no. That would be far too easy.
It was good to hear songs again...I don't have Glancin' @ You or...I guess or Fuck the Odds but I feel like there are other ones I really like that I don't have...Marshmallows Adriftin' I don't I guess...Siamese Angels... or <Jailbreak but who really knows that song anyway? The point of this is if any Lorons want any of those songs, I have The Occasional Man, Song, Livin' the Cliche, the a & e need me, criminal beatdown, and..... um. Others. 2 others. some christ and koldnicoal. yeah, how could i forget those. :) and I think they're available for sharing if you want them. If you bug Tom you might also get Monster live (the "never said fuck to her friends" song)...or this interview in which 2/3 of the band was stoned as fuck on air. But you might have to try really hard to get that.
Anyway...that's really all I have to say. I watched a lot of movies, fell asleep during Pi and had those dreams where you keep waking up crying from a nightmare and then it turns into another nightmare that you wake up crying from which turns into another nightmare...for about five minutes. Terrible terrible terrible.
Pirates of the Carribean is an incredible movie, it's really funny & good, go see it. That's all for now. I need to find a business card that I think I lost.
If you want to call me baby just go ahead now
If you want to tell me maybe just go ahead now
If you want to buy me flowers just go ahead now
If you want to talk for hours just go ahead now
--Spin Doctors
7.15.2003
I know a girl who cries when she practices violin
Cause each note sounds so pure it just cuts into her
And the melody comes pouring out her eyes
Now to me everything else it just sounds like a lie
--Bright Eyes
Woke up at 6:30 this morning. Ugh. Then I excercised even though I still felt sick from dinner the night before. I threw up the water I drank and felt better. It was the kind of sick like after I drink beer the night before except not at all, because I hadn't. Freaky. Showered. Slept. Ate lunch. I'm leaving for the airport in like 40 minutes. The plane was CANCELED bitches even the 12:30 one, so now I have to be there at 3:30, and Tom had to wait at the airport for 5.5 extra hours. United sucks.
I'm practicing Going for the Gold but I still have such a hard time moving my fingers to the right frets & strings. Why is it so difficult? I can do the verses okay except when the pattern starts over it's hard, but the chours sounds terrible. Oh well. Practice would help, I suppose.
So, this isn't really a political blog, at least not like Tom Tomorrow's, or even remotely like that, but I am getting really upset at the current administration. Okay, so like, that's the story of my life for the past 2.5 years almost exactly, but now I feel like something might start happening. It's become obvious that the administration intentionally lied to us in order to get us into Iraq, made bold statements about things that they weren't sure about and are refusing to back down. The CIA director is now trying to say it's his fault so we don't realize that it's really the administration's plan, but no one I've heard of is really buying it. Maybe they should just try scapegoating the Jews, it seems to work every other time. Good God these people. "We are positive that there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq," including thousands of tons of chemical weapons. You know what? That's hard to hide. And now that we're just breaking into people's homes and demanding -- in English! -- that they let us search them for weapons which we confiscate... They want us out, we want us out, why are we still there? I understand that we have an obligation to rebuild, but honestly, I don't think Bush knows how, and I feel like it would be a lot better if we just left and supported them through political backing, financial and material rescources.
Also, what is up with us hating the French? That makes no sense. Tom said in New York people don't buy Evian water anymore. People won't host French host students. What is this? If the rest of the world looked at us as just an extention of our administration that their administration disagrees with, there would be no where in the world that we could have an exchange program with. What is up with this??
I really resent an administration that is so sure of itself and at the same time so secretive. This is a terrible combination, because the people -- as in, the ones who this government is supposed to benefit and be an extention of -- have no way to check what the government is saying, and because the government sounds so sure of itself, you think "okay, they must know, it's just classified." Classified as in doesn't exist! It's bugged me from the beginning how secretive this administration is, only letting a few of Reagan's papers be released, but it's gone way too far now. What with the Patriot Act, their absolute refusal to show us any evidence of their bold statments, their inability to show us evidence, their disregard for the UN, their refusal to sign treaties, their disregard for their own people, their excessive military spending overseas while, as one song points out: "we've still got terrorists here today, like the bloods, the crips, and the KKK." What about AIDS? What about famine? What about homelessness (although I hear they're trying to 'clean up' skid row, using dubious means at best, and so a group of homeless people sued the city for something like $170,000, and won)?
Enough ranting, I guess. I just feel so...powerless. It's a horrific thing to watch, and the covering up and covering up of lies... How is this happening?
It's pretty crazy.
7.13.2003
I got my ears pierced! That's exciting. Tess & Ma'ayan & I had a good conversation with the girl who did our ears. And I got to hold a stuffed bug. I was so scared it was going to hurt, maybe because my belly button was my last piercing. But good, it didn't. I think it hurt more than the first & second ones because it's supposed to hurt more as you get higher up, but I think it's still good. I need to get rid of a lot of jewlrey. Sigh. :)
7.12.2003
There should be a band called "Squirrels gone wild." I would get a t-shirt.
And my favorite bumper sticker from today:
I'm busy and you're ugly. Have a nice day.
And I heard songs on the way to the mall. And one exercising (more than one, but one I'll put the lyrics to). And actually, on second thought, this song sucks. They're just bitter they don't get laid more. Maybe if they wrote better songs the would. Too bad:
Girls don't like boys girls like cars and money
Boys will laugh at girls when they're not funny
And these girls like these boys
Like these boys like these girls
The girls with the bodies like boys with Ferraris
Girls don't like boys girls like cars & money
-Good Charlotte. But wouldn't it be better if it were different? Because now they're just all like 'if I had a nice car I could get laid it's not fair' when in reality boys are at least as superficial as girls.
Been there done that...
After all that this is what I found
Nobody wants to be alone
If you're touched by the words in this song
Then maybe
You've got it bad
--Usher
I don't know what you heard about me
But a bitch can't get a clut up out of me (??)
Drive a Cadillac wear a perm and I'm a g
And I'm a mothafuckin c.r.i.p.
--Snoop d o double gizzle
It's times like these when I think of you
And wonder if you ever think of me
And I still need you
And I still miss you...
--Vanessa Carleton
He's just a boy and I'm just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious?
We are in love haven't you heard
How we rock each other's world
I'm with the skater boy
I said see ya later boy
I'll be backstage after the show
I'll be at the studio
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know
--Avril L.
That last one...the danger of getting addicted to dating lead singers. I hear it actually happens. I think that would make you kind of...um. I don't know. Maybe you just like people writing love songs about you. :)
This isn't love at first sight
This isn't perfect at all
You kiss too hard I hold too tight
You're unpredictable
I think it's beautiful
--The Undefinables
You said though it's hard to be with you sometimes
It's still for you I write love songs & for you I try
To keep your spirits up and hope that someday you'll find that
You are as happy as you make me
Nothing's perfect but I think this is as close as it can get
I know he saved me got me out of this haze
So now if you need to find me I'll be out picking dasies
With the boy who makes the days
Makes the days worthwhile
Though we both can be trying at times
There's nothing I can't handle now as long as you're mine
And I think I could spend the rest of my life
Trying to make you as happy
As you've made me
Happy as you've made me
--Untitled, Trying Harder
I'm going shopping! And doing a secret activity which I think I'll post the results of. Then spa-ing. And then home. I made this awesome card last night, it's so pretty. I also went to Curves and I didn't think it was that hard a work out but I am SO SORE. Lifting weights doesn't make me sore but Curves does. Bizarre.
I also just wanted to say that it kind of upset me that the tattoo guy was making fun of me for marks on my arm. As if he didn't have about 5 gallons of ink in his own.
Regardless...I'll learn to love my new discovered proof.
Less than 3 days.
But since you been askin about the friends
How'd you like it if both our names had Jackson at the ends?
--Fabolous
7.11.2003
Not that I'm annoyed that I only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night, but yeah, I am. Also that my dad wants me to fix this thing and I'd actually rather fix something else if he's trying to teach me the "you need to fix things for yourself" because this is something I've used maybe 1/40th as much as him & Val and don't actually give a shit if it gets fixed. But whatever. I doubt that's the point.
Though I'll be damned if I know what the point is.
So I guess I should just go get ready to run errands...fun. Joy.
Tom is on a plane to New York now...which means soon he's on a plane here...
92 hours.
7.10.2003
I need that (uh) to get me off
Sweat until my clothes come off...
What do to when the music starts to drop
That's when we take it to the parking lot
And I bet you somebody's gonna call the cops
Uh oh's here we go's...
If you ain't dirty you ain't here to party
--Christina, Dirrty
I got another one who loves the mid-west swang
She's from the show-me state
So I showed her my 'b' and my quarter to eight
I know you caught on late but that's 7:45 now shorty let's ride
--Bow Wow (has now hit puberty and actually looks like he can sing about girls now)
Hot storm I'm so into you
Cos even before we hit the bedroom I was friends with you
If they ask I don't gotta say whom in them interviews
My sweet thing never believe the rumors that been ain't true...
What dude put a wound on the skin of you?
I swear to everything that same afternoon he'll be in the news...
And I promise this fella's G it's so gangsta it'll calm all that jealousy
And drama you tellin me so mama come yell at me
And I can put the top down & we can cruise like Tom & Penelope
My charm is a felony
--Fabolous
I cannot sleep. This is thourougly annoying.
Chorus from a video I just saw on BET:
I ain't got no panties on
Ain't got no panties on
I ain't got no panties on
On the dance flo
--Waxamillion, Ain't got no panty's on
Okay, not only is that an...incredible...name, but he misspelled a word stupidly (not even like "dirrty" or "thurr," just, stupidly), the girls in the video were ugly (eg bald), the chorus is incredibly stupid, and it looked like it was home videotaped with bad special effects (eg "wax-a-million" flashing in the background). That was....awful. Truely horrific.
Anyway...nothing really new. Sleep would be awesome.
7.09.2003
I painted my nails today! My toes are maroon, the same maroon that they were in April (or was it May? whenever Mike & Ryan visited) and my fingernails are silver. Beautiful silver and I did a good job. Yay! And I guess I'll redo them...uh...Monday...
I went shopping at Walmart and got the CUTEST underwear so cheap like 4 pairs for $2 (read: 50c each). That was joyous. Then I watched part of Braveheart. That's such a good movie. I also slept and had dreams which I won't bore you with but which were, again, freaky-ass.
I feel like standing on my head & running around and screaming and then sleeping and then running and then watching a movie and then dancing and then driving on the highway Tuesday morning.
~yay~
I've chilled the fuck out a lot about storms. Like, I haven't been flipping out when there's a tornado watch (or even warning), I've been so good.
Shake that thing Miss Kata Kata
Shake that thing Miss Anabella
--Sean Paul
Well I don't really care what people say
I don't really watch what dem waan do
Still I got to stick to my girls like glue
And I mon nah play number two
--Sean Paul
Ay yo I smoke like a chimeny
Matta fact I smoke like a gun when a killa see his enemy
I smoke like Bob Marley did
Add to that that I smoke like the hippies did back in the 70s...
I get high cause fuck it what's there better to do
And I'ma never give a fuck cause I'm better than you...
Now you can name any rapper if you want he could die
This is SP dump it you bitch I get high
--Styles P
Driving home last night, and there was all this lightening. It was beautiful, it was frightening. It was so bright it gave me a headache (which, since I've had one for a few days isn't that impressive, but whatever).
The rabbi is back from the hospital but still sick...God. I really hope he gets better soon.
So it's less than a week, it's 6 days. Not that I'm excited but I totally totally am.
Okay, so I should stop typing and go run errands. Fine. Fine! Stop pushing me! Sheesh.
If I wrote you a love letter would you write back?
And if I used my tongue in bed would you like that?
Now we can have a little drink you know a nightcap
And we could go do what you like I know you like that
--50 Cent
Just from lookin at those thighs from the front view
Girl I know that these guys say they want you...
All the chicks at Yale hey hey hey hey yo
--Fabolous
7.05.2003
A list of freaky-ass dreams from last night and nap:
Last night: There was a magical thing and we were practicing and my sister and I sang a sister song but we were HoHos except for orientation and then we sang and we thought they would recognize us in the comic pages and then they did and we were trapped and then we had to fall down this huge tunnel with only a flashlight and we were going to be killed (my sister has long since ceased to be in the dream, it's someone else but I don't know who) and the guy with us essentially sells his soul and his fur (wtf?) but then he is just a fuzzy green & white yarn that amuses...we're going to be killed but it's all a play but it's really not.
Nap: From Rushmore I'm in love with this little kid & decide I'm dating him except I'm running around (and now I am) the little kid and I have so much luggage with me but I'm walking around a foreign city and my professor finds me and starts interrogating me in French and asks me: "Est-ce que tu veux l'empeintre?" which isn't even good French, and I respond: "Non...je veux coucher avec elle!" And the professor's like, what? Why would you tell me that when I've only been talking to you for 5 minutes about her? And I run but I have all this luggage and people catch up with me and there's a camp and I talk to Emmy and Nick and I'm like, whoa, and now I'm me again and still in love with this stupid little kid & his friends are there and they want to go to Emo or whatever that place is, and then Emmy decides to have a party or something for these little kids and all these other people and so we go to her house and we're deciding what to do..video games or T3 or what... and then more people keep showing up like Pavithra and I'm so happy to see her and she's not really to see me and then the whole stairway is filled with puke and there are a lot of old people there and they're all (including me) smuggling in rum to try and put in the soda and we don't want Emmy's mom to find out. Emmy tells me that if I have a baby (this relates to something we talked about with someone else in 6th grade and is way too complicated to get into now) her mom would probably help me take care of it. I think that's so nice. And then we're there and Tom's there and I'm like, that little kid is stupid why was I ever in love with him and then everyone's watching that movie... But then we go to play this game with water guns and stuff and we start but it turns out it has a lot more to do with talking we don't shoot each other but I don't know the rules, it's in one of those big inflatable lazer tag things except much more complicated and so I'm with Tom and I say fuck it let's just shoot everyone so we do, and there are only 6 more people left out of like 100.... And then it starts getting really fucking freaky and we can't get out and then there are things like ranks and Tom (who at this point has turned into David Schwimmer) is 1 and I'm 2 and some other person is 8 or something, and some of them are RAs which means that they're actually robots and we all have chips implanted in our brains and they can hear our thoughts and so know what we're going to do and there are these people in control and we're all in nurses uniforms and the lower your number the higher your status so we're all like getting priority but we have to keep everyone else in line and these people are controlling us we can't get out and then there's an auditorium and there are 8 different groups of us in different uniforms we've all developed our own cultures and languages and they want us to work for them we want to rebel but then find out that the RAs are actually robots (we didn't know that before) so I have to rescue them we have to rescue Tom we've been on a boat (the inflatable thing is a boat) for 2 years and people have been jumping off and killing themselves because they want out so fucking bad and I try to get Tom because the boats about to sink but I can't break the code and finally he (the robot) has to break it but at this point I'm Monica from Friends and this dog gets pregnant and only 10 people get saved but they're all chocolate cookies and we try to survive but can't I kill a baby.
I hate sleeping.
7.04.2003
Eeeerg why do I suck at life? I am not watching fireworks because I'm not a big fan. I don't feel much like fireworks today anyway.
Okay, so how about a jjblogfirst which is some impromptu poetry. I may totally regret this in 20 seconds but here I go living vicariously. Tom says if you use the word void it's bad poetry but fuck it it's impromptu, here we go:
The rings around the moon stick like
honey to my fingers, forming
smooth sliver bands where our
hands might have touched. The
infinite space between our lips and the
wide open chasm of our minds threatens to
swallow the promises into its
void.
The whirring of your hazy face in the
mirror in the morning, rubbing your
eyes and cheating your hair in place.
Why don't you come by anymore?
I might ask:
Is it something I said?
The jewlery tears you've painted on your
eyelids and the black angels glued on your
chest don't respond, just relax back into the
shape formed by their own boundaries.
They are comfortable there, at home.
More than anything I want to be.
Instead I grasp at the space where our
vices gnash teeth and your shaved head and my
bald wrists hang merely as a question, poised above
a definate uncertanty.
But at the end of the day, after the
Camels and Coronas, the
retching and razors and the rings we
each wear (yours semper fie mine a
hollow fidelity of a non-existant
promise) if the stars still shine while we
sleep on our sides, I swear:
it will be good enough for me.
Hmm. Interesting. Very interesting. As opposed to, say, good. Boo drugs. Yay not taking drugs. Yay sleeping for a really really really long time....waking up when this is over.
Gonna have you naked by the end of this song
--J. Timberlake
Does he sing to you incessantly from the
Space between your bed and wall...
Does he lay awake listening to your breath
Worried you smoke too many cigarettes?
To quit or not to quit. Not so much that as to wonder...will he actually hold up? Will I? Finding out your best friend did coke & didn't tell you about it makes sense...I'd probably smoke...but...but...I don't know what to do. It's very different and pretty unfair. I'd say I've given up more vices recently than Tom, so maybe ... maybe fuck it. Goddammit I'm upset. A big bowl of ice cream and a Snapple bottle sounds really good right now, huh.
Not only that I found out that DXM is supposed to kill me if I take it. Super. The joys of hypomania. And if I did I'd probably get really fucking depressed anyway, probably have the worst trip ever so ... maybe it's better that way. But I find that so hard to believe.
Annnnd what now? I want something else to get me through this.
Semi-charmed kind of life. Baby baby.
Fuck blackmail. Fuck everything. Fuck fucking the odds. Maybe it's stupid. Maybe... shit I want to go to bed.
If you don't then this book's all lies
If you don't then my plans will all be ruined
If you don't I'll start (drinking) like the way I (drank) before
Well and I, I just won't have a future anymore
--Bright Eyes
So I just watched Rushmore and I didn't like it. Boo Rushmore. And I just watched a lot of BET bad videos and stopped after the one with lesbian porn. And right thurr is just too tasteful, huh? ;-)
So I been thinking...I dunno. Like, everyone has things they worry about, right? And sometimes it's bad, and sometimes it's good. Like, worrying about your kids driving safely so you teach them to drive well. Or, worrying about your kids getting hit by a car so never letting them out of the house. I dunno. This is a bad expression of a complex (or, should I say, "complex") issue that I'm trying to deal with.
Or like, blackmailing with vices. Is that really fair? Not like, I'm going to go smoke if you don't shut up, but like, I won't smoke if you stop doing that. Grrrrrrrrrrr.
Eleven days? Did someone say eleven days? Oh, because that ROCKS.
You in the sea on a decline breaking the waves
Watching the lights go down
Letting the cables sleep
Whatever you say it's all right
Whatever you do it's all good
Whatever you say it's all right
Silence is not the way we need to talk about it
If heaven is on the way...
I'm a stranger in this town
--Bush
7.01.2003
Woke up at 6:45 this morning..shoot me. I just downloaded 6 songs including 2 new Bright Eyes so that makes me happy. Also....two weeks.
There's a letter here from Omaha! Yeah Omaha...haha. A kid carries his walkman on the long bus ride to Omaha...
Okay, enough of me rambling. I don't have anything to say really. I have a headache, and I'm going to work in like half an hour.
Got me looking so crazy my baby
I'm not myself lately I'm foolish I don't do this
I've been playing myself baby I don't care
Cause your love's got the best of me
And baby you're making a fool of me
You got me sprung and I don't care who sees
Cause baby you got me you got me so crazy baby
Got me looking so crazy right now your love's
Got me looking so crazy right now
Got me looking so crazy right now, your touch
Got me looking so crazy right now
Got me hoping you'll page me right now, your kiss
Got me hoping you'll save me right now
Looking so crazy in love's
Got me looking got me looking so crazy in love
--Beyonce feat. Jay-Z
You stare at me so boldy now
You have no lack of confidence
It's just those lessons on sublety you missed
I know you dream of saving me like I'm some play you could land
But when you fly you'll be leaving your man
--Bright Eyes
And I'll learn to love my new discovered proof
I'll be grateful for this day
I will be grateful for each day to come
--Bright Eyes, Shoelaces
