4.24.2003
Passover is over!!!! I ate bread!!! And lots of rasin bran!!! And it was GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's Admit weekend...my profro are here. I have Anh and both she & my roommate's profro were early decision so we don't have to sell them on anything, which is nice....But I hope they like it here!!! There are lots of little ones running around the campus with their name tags and bright red folders...Man. To be a profro again. Or not. :) Yeah dry weekend. Not like it matters because it's not like I'm drinking at all after last Thursday. Siiiigh.
I finished a paper today that I feel really good about...But I have a more important paper due on Monday that I haven't started writing and I feel like I'll really fuck up. Oy vey.
But enough with the bitching! Life is good right now. I have Garba practice tomorrow for 2:45 hours, and that should be fun! I'm excited. Then I'm going out to dinner in downtown PA I think...picking up a prescription while I'm at it! Oh but it should be fun.
Don't do what you've wanted to
Yeah, don't destroy yourself like those cowards do
And maybe the sun keeps coming up because it has gotten used to you
And your constant need for proof
--Bright Eyes
Two pills just weren't enough
The alarm clock's going off but you're not waking up
This isn't happening happening happening
It is
--Bright Eyes
So close to dying that I finally can start living
--Bright Eyes
4.23.2003
I can't breathe with these words in my mouth
But I'm not going to say them
Yeah, I've made that mistake before
On the stairs, she grabs my arm
Says what's up, where have you been, is something wrong?
I try to just smile
And say everything's fine
--Bright Eyes
He says the choices were given
Now you must live them
Or just not live
But do you want that?
--Bright Eyes
Other highlights from Loro feud...
Best roommate pair: 1)Candace & Lora 2)Tom F & Dave
Best smile: 1) Amanda 2) JJ & my roommate! (5 way tie)
Best butt: Walter!!!!
Friendliest: 1)Kat!! (ROOMMATE!!!!)
Smartest: 1)Vishal
Best legs: 4)Can Sar
Favorite FloMo Dining Hall Delicacy: 4)Tofu!!!
Most likely to be famous: 1)Tom F
Mostly likely to win American Idol: 2)Tom F
Something that happens in the lounge: 1)Drinking 4)Foosball/Sex
Name a dorm activity: 5)Drinking
Name a drink served at the 1st floor progressive: 5)Alcohol
Mostly likely to be drunk at Loro Feud (only one person got any votes): Tom F
If I catch you with the occasional man...
--The Undefinables
Turn the radio off girl don't listen to the sound
Luke's on the phone now and he tells me something's wrong
Says "How many times have I told you not to write a love song?"
But I can't help myself
Jesus Christ I wish I was somebody else
I told Luke my best friend to fuck off
I called your parents and I told them that we're getting married
I sold my girls down the river for 20 thousand chances
And glancing at you...
--The Undefinables
"If you smile, I might be confused and think everything's okay."
Hm....Bright Eyes: If I die tonight, then I guess I die tonight.
I seen them talking to their sister
On the phone, saying: "You come home, woman
You come here, don't stay so far away from me.
This weather's got me wanting love more tangible.
Something I can hold.
Cause it's getting cold."
--Bright Eyes
4.22.2003
Goddamnnnnnnnnn people won't leave me alone. Fuckin a.
So, tonight was Loro feud. And guess who was voted most kissable girl? That's right, that's right, that's me. Yeahhh kissability. Annnnnd I'm dating Loro's most kissable guy elect. Holla!
Ahhh this is like the fifth time this year I've had my medication doubled. It doesn't make SENSE!!!!!!!! It's crazy. Crazy medication.
And it's Passover! Which means that I'm eating really shitty food because I can't eat stuff from the dining hall except fruit and veggies and peanutbutter & jelly & cheese. Aaah!
4.19.2003
And more... I heard a cover by one of the boy bands last night. Like, "Off by one" or something. But they covered Natalie Imbruglia, who a couple people have told me I look like (which is kind of odd since I don't at all), and so I thought I'd post some of the lyrics...since that's all I seem to do these days.
I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be thad man I adored
You don't seem to know
Seem to care what your heart is for
But I don't know him anymore
There's nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That's what's going on
Nothing's fine I'm torn
I'm all out of faith this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late ... I'm already torn
--Torn
Subject: Rich bitches in Volvos piss me off
Uh huh uh huh. I guess work does too although I'm getting through it. I mean, it really shouldn't piss me off, and it doesn't, I just feel indifferent towards it. Yeah apathy!!
And now for the saddest thing I've heard someone say: "All I wanted was a normal life...a picket fence. Maybe a dog. But there's no picket fence, only barbed wire. Always barbed wire. Barbed wire and death."
And if it should come down to
One of us has to leave
I promise you
That it won't be you
No it won't be you
And it won't be me
--Unknown
Woooooo punk concert in SF! The boy bands were kinda lame, but the girls were soooooo good. We also had a great dinner at some North African restaurant (hard to find a place where a vegetarian who's not eating bread can nosh). Yeah weekend. I'm excited.
My roommate's gone camping this weekend...things are never the same without her. Last night I managed to scare all my friends into overcoming their differences and banding together. Which was great this morning in that they can all be civil to each other now. But not so great in that I made everyone stay up until 3:30. But what can I do now?
Some lyrics...
Haven't been this happy
In a long long time sweet baby
Who knew a girl like you
Could make me feel this way?...
Fuck the odds fuck the odds
When I been drinking like I do, you love the way I taste
Fuck the odds fuck the odds
When I called you feisty babe you slapped my face
This isn't love at first sight
This isn't perfect at all
You kiss too hard I hold too tight
You're unpredictable
I think you're beautiful
Fuck the odds fuck the odds
If we had met when we were younger I think we might have been in love
Fuck the odds fuck the odds
But you've got too many scars & I'm too damn sick now
We're not tough enough
This isn't love at first sight
This isn't perfect at all
You kiss too hard I hold too tight
You're unpredictable
I think it's beautiful
If you tell me I'm special
Even if it's a lie I'll believe it
And if I believe it I think one day
I might be happy
Just being me
--Fuck the Odds
4.17.2003
I love Passover. It ROCKS officially. It's so fun. We had a seder tonight! It was me, Kat (roommate), Jasmine, Lora, Vishal, Tom & Julie, and it was really great. I felt like they didn't enjoy the 1st part much, but they really liked dinner (which I made the charoset for, and Jasmine and Lora made the matzah ball soup & potato kishe) and enjoyed the WINE. The four bottles of Maneshewitz that we managed to drink...It was actually like 3.25 though. But I'm glad we bought four.
Hic!
Yeah life. I don't think I'm depressed anymore!!!!! I'm so so so so so so excited. I think the medication has kicked in! It hasn't helped with the razors or throwing up, but I feel better.
Yay!
It'll seem more like a song
And less like it's math
If you pull on my hair
And bite me like that
--Bright Eyes
4.15.2003
Whoa. Stanford is changing its alcohol policy, effective next year, that in all frosh dorms there shouldn't be drinking in public areas like the lounge or halls. Apparently a few people sipping beers in the lounge is okay but RAs are supposed to discourage drinking games, etc. This is insane. It will dramatically alter the relationships between the freshmen and the RAs, as well as the entire feel of the all frosh dorms. Stanford hasn't had anyone die of alcohol poisoning, and we atribute it to the way that we aren't afraid to get the RAs if someone has been drinking too much. Now kids in all frosh dorms (and mind you, this isn't even all the freshman, just the ones in those dorms. Ridiculous!) are going to be too scared to get their RAs. That's awful.
There was this thing in the Daily talking about it, it's all negative, and one rabbit says something, and another says: "Yeah, there's going to be a great bunch of donors in 20 years, the repressed, sober students." And then a dog says: "Actually, I was beginning to feel left out, going to the only school where students don't fear and hate their RAs." Yeah 4-class dorms.
Does he sing to you incessantly from the space between your bed and wall?
Hm...how about another Bright Eyes song? A Perfect Sonnet.
Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing matters
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet
Or one foolish line
Cause that's all that you'll get
So you'll have to accept
You are here and then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
Left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there's still no answer
Only all that was before I know must soon come after
That's the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
You've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her "Lover"
Danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, she disappeared, you can't remember
Where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone
Cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
Singing, I believe that lovers should be chained together
Thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
Left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
And ended up becoming something other
Than what I had planned to be
I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And laid entwined together on a bed of clover
Left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness
--Bright Eyes
4.13.2003
I'm unsure and unclear with the words that I say
I'm happy when you're near
And I wish that forever could stay
Just like today
You have beautiful, beautiful eyes
So bright and alive and enchanting
I want to be with you all of the time
It's hopeless but I have to try
--Bright Eyes
Just found these awesome lyrics, can't sleep and couldn't pass up posting them:
I guess that your truth is just the ghost of your lies
I guess your kind of truth is just the ghost of your lies
Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies
I see through them all the time
So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk
Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey, I'm going to get really fucking drunk
I'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunk
That I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up
--Bright Eyes, It's Cool, We Can Still Be Friends
Now I sing and drink and sleep on floors
And try hard not to be annoyed
By all these people worrying about me
So when I'm suffering through some awful drive
You occasionally cross my mind
It's my hidden hope that you are still among them
Well are you?
Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet
And hold the earth in place
Each time I curtain opens
Sunlight pours in
A lifetime melts away
And we share a name
On some picturesque grave
--Bright Eyes
But now I'm confused
Is this death really you?
Do these dreams have any meaning?
No. No, I think it's more like a ghost
That's been following us both.
Something vague that we're not seeing,
Something more like a feeling.
--Bright Eyes
I'm reading Prozac Nation because Candace lent it to me waaay back in Fall quarter near the beginning, but I've only just really started reading it. And so, tonight, on page 70, I found a passage that was eerily, creepily, exactly me.
Spookily me. I'm so scared of getting better. Too scared to exert the effort. I just want the goddamn Valium substitute she promised and maybe some sleeping pills, too, because I have a hard time sleeping and my dreams just exhaust me. I just found out that Nyquil doesn't have any ingredient that makes you sleep, and that Tylenol PM does but it doesn't work with me. Suck.
There's so much to say and none of it makes sense. I still don't sleep with white sheets on my bed. I feel safest when I feel like a small child -- uninhibited, naked, safe, and loved. Champaign-Urbana seems so laden with ghosts I'm scared to go back. I'm afraid of it, of living only a blur and having a room to close myself in and parents watching and feeling awful. They shouldn't feel awful but what can I do? What can I do?
I need to be woken up at night
By you kissing my naked arm and breast
Because you dreamed about me
And was overjoyed to find I was really here
Sleeping next to you in bed
With the cover over both our heads
I can let go of the daily stress
And uncover the forgotten playfulness
And with you I can be happy
--b&pm, Happy
4.11.2003
I decided that for your edification, I would post the lyrics to "The Calendar Hung Itself."
By, of course, Bright Eyes.
Note: As I typed these up, I realized that these are soooo like my life. Except sometimes I am the guy and sometimes I am the girl. What is this world coming to?
Does he kiss your eyelids in the morning when you start to raise your head?
And does he sing to you incessantly from the place between your bed and wall?
Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes
Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you?
Does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched
And does he cry through broken sentences like "I love you far too much"?
Does he lay awake listening to your breath worried that you smoke too many cigarettes?
Is he coughing now on a bathroom floor? For every speck of tile there are a thousand more
That you won't every see but must hold inside yourself eternally.
I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death
In every city memories would whisper "Here is where you rest."
I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees and I
Settled for a telephone and sang into your machine.
"You are my sunshine my only sunshine.
You are my sunshine my only sunshine."
I kissed a girl with a broken jaw that her father gave to her
She had eyes bright enough to burn me they reminded me of yours
In a story told she was a little girl in a red-rouge sun-bruised field
And there were rows of ripe tomatoes where a secret was concealed.
And it rose like thunder clapped under our hands
And it stretched for centuries to a diary entry's end where I wrote
"You make me happy when skies are gray.
You make me happy oh when skies are gray and gray and gray."
Well the clock's heart it hangs inside its open chest with its hands
Stretched towards the calendar hanging itself but I will not weep for those dying days.
For all the ones who have left there are a few that stayed
And they found me here and pulled me
From the grass where I was laid.
--Bright Eyes
Yeah me being able to log onto blogger again! Woo!!!!!!!
So things are okay! The classes are okay... and I saw the Bright Eyes concert on Tuesday and it was INCREDIBLE! I mean, it was SO GOOD. I am currently an enormous Conor Oberst fan. Totally. So huge. And my new favorite Bright Eyes song is "The Calendar Hung Itself." Which you should all listen to. I heard him sing it live! And it was sooooo good.
And I went to the Stanford Community Carnival and got free cotton candy and water. It was mm mm good.
And this weekend it's supposed to rain which is too bad because I wanted to have a picnic. But maybe I should just start doing a lot of work that I need to do. I should do it.
Yay medicine. I need to get more.
All this talk of getting old
Is getting me down my love
Like a cat in a bag
Waiting to drown
It's time I calmed down
And I know you're thinking of me
As you lay down on your side
Now the drugs don't work
They just make it worse
And I know I'll see your face again
--Ben Harper
4.02.2003
Yeah no classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I'm only taking 12 units with a really easy quarter. Good. It will be good. Maybe I'll write more.
There's a man holding a megaphone
He must have been the voice of God
Bystanders claimed they saw angels flying up and down the block
They must have been attached to wires
I seen one laying in the lawn with a broken arm
So I called 911...
So I fell like a girl from a balance beam
A gymnasium of eyes all were holding on to me
I lifted one foot to cross the other
And I felt myself slipping
It was a small mistake
Sometimes that's all it takes
So I'm staring at my wrists
Wondering if the time is right
When the planets will align
There'll be no planets to align
Just the carcass of the sun and those little painted marbles spinning
Senseless through an endless black sky
It was in a foreign hotel's bathtub I baptized myself in change
And one by one I drowned all of the people I had been
And I emerged to find the parallels were fewer
I was cleansed I looked in the mirror and someone new was there
But I was as helpless as a chess piece when i was lifted up by someone's hand
And delievered from the corner my enemies had got me in
But in all of my salvation I still felt imprisoned inside that holding cell
That is myself
So I wait for the day when I hear the key
As it turns in the lock and the guard will say to me
'Oh my patient prisoner you have waited for this day and finally
You are free! You are free! You are freezing!'
Now I'm staring at the sun waiting for it to explode
Because a day is gonna come
Don't know when but it will come
And we'll finally know the way out of here
And I will throw away this wrinkled map and my chart of stars and compass cracked
And I'll climb that tree all wet with sap to avoid the hungry beasts below
I'll cut out my lover's tongue and sing
Of a graveyard gray and a garden green
And we won't have to worry no more
No we won't have to wonder again about how this song or story ends
About how this song and story will end
--Bright Eyes, Balance Beam
